


Might as Well

by Carmenlire



Series: Tumblr Prompts [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor Alec Lightwood, Doctor Magnus Bane, Drunken Confessions, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Mutual Pining, we'll throw that in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 00:48:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: The two of them stare at each other for long minutes. Alec doesn’t know if Magnus is waiting for him to speak first but now, laying here with Magnus just inches away and feeling like it might as well be an oceanic chasm, he’s too tired to keep the words from slipping out.After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen? He’s already staring down the face of his world imploding, just because he was stupid enough to fall for someone who wouldn’t ever be interested in him likethat.





	Might as Well

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue prompt by @wirtanzenimregen: "I can't keep kissing strangers and pretending it's you."

The liquor’s making his head spin.

Or maybe it’s the heartache.

Alec stumbles through the club, only one thing propelling him forward.

He needs a distraction and _Dr. Bane_ has let him know in no uncertain terms that he’s no longer available for the job.

The music is building and belligerently, drunkenly, Alec makes his way to the center of the dance floor, the tequila coursing through his veins lowering his inhibitions. He moves to the beat, drops as the bass does. He tilts his head back and tries to ignore the way his heart seems to want to disintegrate.

If he were sober, he’d probably laugh.

Or cry.

It’s laughable, really. They’d been friends for a couple of years now, fuck buddies for just a few short months.

Alec’s been riding the wave of _everything’s perfect_ and _existential despair_ adeptly. He knows that he’s in love with Magnus. He knows that Magnus doesn’t want anything more than a good fuck between hospital emergencies.

That’s all that this was supposed to be-- just two friends who found each other mutually attractive letting off some steam at the end of brutal workdays. Alec was the head of the pediatrics department and Magnus was the chief of neurosurgery. Their jobs were demanding and their stress levels were regularly enough to fell an elephant.

They’d been eating cold pizza in Magnus’s office when he’d casually asked Alec about moving their relationship to friends with benefits.

Alec had barely hesitated. While he’d worried that his friendship with Magnus would suffer, in the end he couldn’t deny the way his heart had leapt.

Alec had been working at the NYU hospital for almost two years when Magnus had been hired. He’d been in a rut, meaningless hookups every few months barely enough to stave off the loneliness that had started to plague him.

Then, he’d met Magnus and the two of them had just _clicked_. Alec could be awkward and brusque, but Magnus seemed to like him well enough and their tentative friendship had only grown from there. They regularly ate most meals together, whether at the hospital or local restaurants or their own apartments. 

They had inside jokes, shared some of the same interests and tolerated the other ones with lighthearted teasing. Magnus was the only one who had seen Alec disgusting with the flu, bringing him chicken noodle soup and making sure he didn’t dehydrate, while Alec was the one Magnus had called when a self-dye job had turned his hair carrot orange.

They were best friends and then they were _more_.

Privately, Alec knew he was so gone over Magnus that there was no one else for him. He’d been pining-- subtly of course, no matter what Jace said-- and he couldn’t help but think of how it would feel to kiss Magnus, couldn’t help but admire how the light could turn Magnus’s eyes into liquid pools.

So when Magnus had casually asked about hooking up, he’d said yes with a minimum of fuss, only slightly choking on his own spit.

Setting down his half eaten pizza, Magnus had stood from his chair and made his way over to Alec. There’d been a moment when they’d stood close enough to touch that they’d just looked at each other, confirming that they were really doing this. Then, Alec had been the one to close that last bit of distance and their lips had connected softly, delicately, as if afraid that the other one would pull away at any second.

But they hadn’t. Instead, Magnus’s mouth had opened and the kiss had turned from tentative to scorching in a heartbeat. It had been Alec who’d moaned into the quiet room, Magnus who had shucked off both their white coats, slipping a thigh between Alec’s as they made their way to the nearest wall.

There had been fevered moments of wandering hands and desperate breaths and Alec had felt like his brain was melting from the dizzying, all-consuming heat.

That first session had ended in messy handjobs, Magnus pinning Alec against the wall as they both got their breath back.

After a few moments, their eyes had met and then they were laughing, smiling.

“If I’d known that would have happened, I would have suggested this much sooner, Alexander.”

Alec had dipped his head in acknowledgement but before he could say anything, both of their pagers had went off, startling them.

Just like that, they’d been back to business with dopey grins on their faces for the rest of their shifts.

That had been almost three months ago. Alec had thought that things were going smoothly, never mind that every time they slept together, his heart broke just a little bit more.

He’s gotten used to the ache, really.

Magnus is amazing as always. He’s still Alec’s best friend. 

That’s the problem.

Alec wants Magnus as his boyfriend, in the short term. In the long term-- well.

Better not to dwell on things that will never happen.

There are only a few rules to this game of theirs. Their arrangement is never allowed to come between their friendship. The second they’re interested in someone else (Alec scoffs, _as if)_ , then this thing is over. It’s only sex, nothing romantic. 

Alec was doing an admirable job of hiding just how lovesick Magnus made him, though he couldn’t deny that it was getting harder and harder each time to walk away. All he wanted to do was lean into Magnus’s touch, hold his goddamn hand occasionally, wake up and not immediately look for his clothes for the dreaded walk of shame.

He knows it’s one sided. Magnus is as casual as ever, not showing even a hint that things might mean more to him. Their friendship is still strong but Alec worries that there are cracks starting to show.

If he loses Magnus’s friendship, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

Well that’s a lie, Alec thinks blearily as a warm body sidles up behind him, wrapping arms around his waist, pulling until Alec’s pressed up against the stranger, both following the beat of the music as neon lights reflect the room.

He’ll do this. Magnus had called off their little arrangement this afternoon without warning. He hadn’t given a reason, just calmly stated that he thought it would be best if they went back to being purely friends, no benefits.

Alec had barely heard him over the roaring in his ears. He doesn’t remember what he’d said, only that Magnus’s shoulders had stiffened, expression growing stilted. Alec knows Magnus better than most anyone, knows when he’s hurt. Alec doesn’t know what he’d said wrong, only that apparently agreeing that they were better off just friends was the wrong move.

Fuck if he knows what the right one was, though.

Alec resolutely pushes all the shit with Magnus to the back of his mind. Right now, there’s only him and the stranger in the middle of a sea of people, each trying to lose themselves in flashing lights and top shelf liquor.

He turns around, finds the guy decent enough. The two of them dance to a few more songs, grinding more than anything else, and when the man tilts his head toward the front door, Alec internally shrugs.

It’s not like he has anyone waiting for him, after all.

The two of them stumble out to the sidewalk. There are no words and after walking just a few yards, Alec is suddenly tired. He’s tired of feeling like his heart is being crushed every time he sees Magnus, he’s sick of himself for getting into this situation in the first fucking place, he’s annoyed at just how much Magnus has come to mean to him.

With the jumble of thoughts in his head, he pushes his companion against the wall. He sees dilated eyes and an absently smiling mouth.

He sees eyes that aren’t artfully lined and hair that falls flat.

All he needs to see is that this man isn’t Magnus and then he’s leaning in, hoping desperately that he feels something. A spark, a tremor, _something_ other than this gut churning feeling that the best thing in his life is slipping through his fingers-- that he’s too late and it’s already gone.

If this man can make him feel what Magnus instills in him, maybe everything isn’t as fucked as it looks right now. Maybe he’ll survive being just friends with Magnus until they’re both old and gray and these unrequited feelings finally stop hurting so goddamn much.

He’s a hair's breadth away from kissing this man, this easy lay who isn’t Magnus, when he stops cold. 

What the fuck is he doing? Kissing strangers?

That’s not him. It hasn’t been him for two years now.

Suddenly even sicker of himself, Alec pulls back, starts walking away from the man without a backwards glance. He doesn’t even hear the insults being hurled at his back, drunken slurs flung against him.

He doesn’t hear anything except the mantra repeating in his head. _He wants Magnus_.

He’s in the middle of Manhattan. His head is spinning, his stomach is lurching, there are goddamn tears building in his eyes.

He’s a little pathetic right now. Even in his haze, he can only imagine what he must look like.

He walks for a little while and the next thing he knows, he’s pounding on the front door of an apartment that isn’t his.

He hears angry mumbling and then the door is being wrenched open, a sleep disheveled Magnus tying his robe. His hands falter when he takes in Alec.

“Alexander, what on earth are you doing? It’s almost two in the morning--”

Alec steps forward, throws his arms around Magnus, settling into his space.

“I missed you.”

Alec tries to pretend that he doesn’t notice Magnus stiffen even as his voice is soft as he says, “Darling, you’re drunk and by the looks of things, you’re going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. Let’s get you to bed and then we can deal with everything in the morning.”

Alec lets himself be ushered through the loft, tripping over nothing. Magnus huffs out a laugh, exasperated, but gamely makes sure Alec doesn’t actually hurt himself.

They make it into the bedroom and Alec pulls away from Magnus to fall onto the bed, face down. He breathes in deep, the sheets smelling of sandalwood and Magnus and everything he’ll never have.

He passes out a second later, turning into deadweight as Magnus tugs his shoes off and wrestles him out of his coat. He doesn’t wake as Magnus leaves and returns with a glass of water and a few advil, setting them carefully on the nightstand. He doesn’t see the little smile that graces Magnus’s mouth as he gently cards a hand through Alec’s hair.

He doesn’t feel the mattress dip next to him, Magnus sighing as he settles next to Alec. He doesn’t see the wistful gaze or sad resignation as Magnus turns to his side, away from him, and falls into a restless sleep.

Alec wakes up the next morning with the headache from hell pounding in his temples. He’s careful not to move as he turns his head, startled to see Magnus already looking at him. From the looks of things he’s been up for a while, watching Alec with the kind of calm patience that makes his heart clutch painfully.

The two of them stare at each other for long minutes. The room feels like the end of the world, silence heavy but not overwhelming.

Alec doesn’t know if Magnus is waiting for him to speak first, but now, laying here with Magnus just inches away and feeling like it might as well be an oceanic chasm, he’s too tired to keep the words from slipping out.

He’s so goddamn tired. He feels weak. He feels sad. Distantly he starts thinking, a hint hysterical, that he’ll have to leave the NYU hospital. He might have to leave New York all together. There’s no way that he’ll be able to stand being in such close proximity to Magnus after this shitstorm ends and they’re nothing but professional colleagues, everything turned to dust and ashes between them.

Not when everything in him yearns for more.

Voice just above a whisper, Alec says, “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending they’re you.”

Magnus’s eyes widen. Without thinking, he reaches out, fingers ghosting over Alec’s mouth. Alec lets his eyes fall shut, tries to drown in the sensation of Magnus touching him, no matter that it’s light enough that it could just be his imagination.

“Alexander,” Magnus whispers. “What are you talking about?”

Alec keeps his eyes closed as he takes a deep shuddering breath, preparing to lay his heart out. After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen? He’s already staring down the face of his world imploding, just because he was stupid enough to fall for someone who wouldn’t ever be interested in him like _that_.

“I’m in love with you, Magnus. I have been for awhile now. I know we said no strings attached sex but I want more. I want everything and it’s killing me that you don’t. I thought I could deal with being a meaningless hookup to you-- at least I’d have that-- but then you ended things yesterday and--”

Alec’s voice cracks as he continues, the lump in his throat almost too much to push words through.

“I don’t think I can be friends with you, anymore. I can’t look at you every day or hear you talk about your dates. I can’t be so close to you when I know that all we’ll ever be is a pale imitation of what I want. I respect your decision and I’m sorry I’m ruining everything but--”

Alec breaks off with a gasp as Magnus leans forward, kissing the words from him. Alec’s brain is officially offline, the only thing registering is that Magnus is kissing him. He’s not angry or annoyed.

The kiss is achingly gentle, the barest meeting of lips. It spins out for a dozen heartbeats and Alec is powerless to do anything but sink into it.

Magnus pulls back and his gaze roves over Alec’s face as his thumb strokes his cheek. His face is bare of makeup, his hair is in a million different directions, his eyes are shining with everything Alec’s dreamed of seeing for so long.

Magnus’s tongue darts out to wet his lips and then he’s saying, voice quiet but sure, “I love you too, Alexander.”

Alec freezes even as his mind goes into overdrive. He can’t believe it. Magnus loves him? It doesn’t make sense. Why would he end things if he felt the same?

Magnus shakes his head a little, seeing the obvious confusion in Alec’s eyes. He moves closer until he can sling an arm over Alec’s waist, hitch a leg over Alec’s hip.

“I’ve been in love with you for ages, darling. When I first offered for us to turn into friends with benefits, it was with the reasoning that if I got you out of my system then I wouldn’t feel like a vise was squeezing my chest everytime you looked at me.” He shakes his head, rueful. “I should’ve known that wouldn’t work. Every time we slept together I just fell more in love. You were _never_ just a meaningless hookup, Alec," he continues fiercely. "The very idea is ridiculous.

“When I ended things yesterday, I’d finally had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore.” He laughs, a hint of tears behind it. “I thought the same thing-- that I was nothing but a convenient guy and that you only wanted my friendship, nothing more.”

Magnus shakes his head, wondering. “We were both such idiots, weren’t we?”

Alec hums, scooches down on the bed until he can tuck his head under Magnus’s chin, hiding his growing grin against his neck.

“We were dumbasses,” he confirms. He nuzzles into Magnus’s chest, murmuring, “I wish I hadn’t needed to get a hangover to find out, but I can’t regret it. Not when I finally have you.”

Magnus laughs, running a hand through Alec’s hair. 

“Indeed, darling, look where we are now.”

There’s a beat of silence before Magnus opens his mouth, haltingly asking, “I know it’s none of my business, Alec, but-- you kissed someone last night?”

Alec stills before pulling back so that he can look Magnus in the eye. Magnus looks unsure, dread swirling in his eyes, though he’s obviously trying to look like he isn't on the edge of his seat waiting for the answer.

Not wanting to prolong things, Alec clears his throat before grabbing Magnus’s hand and intertwining the fingers.

“I almost did,” he says. “I went to a club last night and drank more tequila than I have since I graduated med school. I was sick over the liquor and thinking you were ending things and when a guy started dancing with me, I let him. I danced with him and when he asked if I wanted to leave, I let him lead the way.”

Magnus’s eyes close and his expression looks strikingly close to grief before Alec shuffles forward and gently noses along his cheek.

“We were on the sidewalk and I was hoping against hope that he would make me feel _something_ , that he’d make me feel even a fraction of what you make me feel. But I couldn't do it.” 

Magnus’s eyes fly open at the whispered admission.

“He wasn’t you and all I wanted was _you_ even if I thought you didn’t want me. So I left him and came straight here where I was a drunken mess all over you.”

Magnus smiles, moves until there’s not an inch of space between them.

“I know I don’t have a right to, but I’m so relieved you didn’t kiss anyone else, Alexander. You’re mine and I’m so happy we’ve finally talked through things.”

“I’m yours,” Alec repeats.

What he doesn’t say is, _I’ll only ever be yours_.

The two of them spend the rest of the morning dozing, letting the golden sunlight warm them down to their bones as they lay together, heart against heart, and ride the wave of joy radiating through them.

When Monday morning rolls around and they walk into work holding hands, they’re too busy grinning to grow indignant when Jace grumpily shoves a hundred dollar bill in Maia’s hand, muttering, "I thought it’d take you another six months to get your shit together."

Alec just laughs, hugging Magnus close to his side.

“It was about damned time, though, don’t you think?”

Magnus smiles his _Alec_ smile, leans in until they’re sharing the same breath.

“Long overdue, darling.”

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @carmenlire! I'm always accepting prompts :)


End file.
